It has been a long time since I have posted truly personal, life type things here, but I feel that it is time to revisit a bit of myself and my feelings. After all, that is how this blog came to be in the first place.
I started this blog when Ethan was around a year old and realizing that we were about to enter the unknown world of Autism, and boy, what a scary place that was for me. This was my place to come to express my fears, share photos, and document our lives. In fact, today is his 7th birthday and I can’t even express how much I love him without ending up in a pile of happy tears.
7 years ago today, Ethan came into this world early and certainly not without drama. I will never forget the moment he was born and we could tell that something wasn’t “right”. He wasn’t breathing and we could actually hear the silence in the room, that type of silence that actually sends chills up your spine. I can’t even begin to describe how frightening it was. The NICU team rushed in and took him away and there I sat, realizing that this motherhood thing wasn’t going to be easy. I can’t quite describe my emotions, but I remember having a gut feeling…perhaps a mother’s intuition.
Being a new mom, I had read all of the books, watched the shows, read online stories and I felt ready to do it all. And I did. I watched his every movement, took him to playdates, rocked him to sleep, did everything I knew how. However, that gut feeling kept creeping back every once in a while. I would bring up my fears to family and they reassured me that everything was fine, so I obliged and continued on and did what all of the other moms were doing…. living life day to day.
But what they didn’t know is that I would cry when I got home from playdates because I was the one seeing the differences between him and other kids his age and it hurt my heart. I was seeing that my intuition was correct and that scared the crap out of me. It was so incredibly tough to realize that my kid, the kid that I loved so much, was going to need some help, but I was the one that would do it. And that is just what I did.
During nap times and bedtimes, I spent hours researching and gathering phone numbers and getting connected with resources. I met several people online that helped me more than I can express. They know who they are <3 and thank you.
Finally, I made my phone calls and they sent the evaluation team to the house to check Ethan out. In my heart, I was hoping that they would come and tell me that I was crazy, that he was fine, but that isn’t what happened. Their entire team agreed that he needed further evaluations because “his scores were consistent with possible Autism”.
Hearing someone else tell me that what I had been thinking was correct sent me into a tailspin of emotions. On one hand, I was relieved that I wasn’t crazy… that what I had been seeing was real. On the other hand, I was devastated. This isn’t what I had planned when I wanted to have kids. It was such a raw surge of emotions, but I knew that we would tackle this together and that everything would be okay.
It was certainly not the end of the world. In fact, it was the beginning of a new life.
Soon after his evaluations, we started intensive in-home therapies several times a week, sought out new techniques to deal with his behaviors, and did everything we possibly could to ensure a fantastic outcome for Ethan. He went to special pre-schools, special camps, and had the most amazing therapists that not only helped Ethan, but helped myself and Garrett get through those tough times.
I truly believe that getting Ethan the early interventions was the key to his current successes. We saw the progress made in just a few years and we owe a huge thanks to so many people.
There was a point where I was mourning the life I had imagined, but I am learning that there is no such thing as an imagined life. Life is what it is and you have to embrace it and all of the challenges that come with it.
Today Ethan is 7 and we will never stop facing challenges. In fact, the challenges we are facing today are more difficult and will require different techniques, but we are prepared for it all. We will never ever stop helping guide him through life.
All I know is that my heart is so filled with a special kind of love for him. A love that I can’t even begin to describe.
Happy 7th Birthday to my strong, funny, loving boy.
Hayley
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He is so very handsome, and obviously so very loved. How could he possibly not be amazing with you and Garrett as his parents, and Ainsley as his sister? 🙂
Your story has truly touched my heart. I’m so glad you’re sharing your stories struggles and victories with the world and provide strength to other parents learning to cope and accept autism. My sister is 24 years old and autistic and I don’t know if my Mom ever fully quit mourning for the ‘normal’ life. She was able to talk occasionally with people on the phone and I remember her driving hours to meet other moms, but maybe if she was able to read an honest, open blog like yours to read she would’ve dealt with it easier. I’m sure you inspire many people everyday and just want to say thank u. You are touching parents lives and by doing that, your touching the children’s lives as well.
Happy birthday to your little guy! I have been on both sides of the fence now as a pediatric occupational therapist working in the schools and now as a parent of a special education preschooler. What a journey!
Happy Birthday!!! He is such a sweet boy and you are incredible parents! I worked in a apecial needs classroom and it makes such abig difference when the parents educate themselves and use all the resources. I am sure it will never be easy for your family, but I am sure he will the best he can be because of all your live and care.
Thank you for sharing. I have a 7 year old autistic son also. The feelings and emotions you expressed were exactly the ones I had during his early years and the diagnosis process. It has been a very humbling experience for me as a mom but I have learned so much and grown so much through our journey so far. Thank you again and happy birthday to your sweet boy!
I have also gone through these exact feelings. My son wanted to come at 3 1/2 months and we held him off for 5 more. He has had extensive therapies, many neurological diagnosises, and at 21 finally diagnosed with Autism. I will not begin our whole story here but he is now 24, still lives with us and is such a joy! I cannot begin to imagine life without him, the many life lessons, and the love that our family has been taught through all of this. Yes, I do cry some days when I think of all he has endured but then I can also rejoice at where we are now. Happy Birthday to your Precious Son! The biggest gift you give him is your love and support!
My two older siblings are on the spectrum. Unfortunately, the form of it that they have wasn’t a diagnosis when they were small and wasn’t until they were adults. My sister has gotten some help, but my brother refuses to admit he has a problem and claims that his so-called problems are all in our heads. Since my parents are gone, my siblings are my responsibility. I know the kinds of struggles your family goes through. I deal with them daily only my two are in much bigger bodies and they’re a lot less cute than Ethan! Ethan, Sweetheart, happy birthday.
He is such a cutie with such beautiful eyes. And you are a very special person since God has entrusted you with his care. I know that he will grow into a wonderful young man with the love and support of you and your husband.
Thank you for sharing this. My 3yo son was diagnosed last week and you described exactly how I am feeling these days.
Happy birthday to your beautiful child Ethan – hope you all had a wonderful day celebrating this incredible gift from God.
Happy birthday Ethan! Beautiful post Hayley. You’re so right about living the life we have and not some imagined life.
Happy birthday, Ethan!! Hayley…that was a wonderful post!!
As a 1st grade teacher that has worked with autistic children of varying abilities, I applaud you and your husband for being proactive in securing any and every means available to help Ethan be successful. And, I too believe in early intervention / therapies. Wish I lived closer to you guys….I’d love to meet you both in person :)!!
Beautifully written – he is lucky to have you as a parent! Early Intervention is such an amazing thing, and you’re so right about the imagined life. Powerful stuff!
Such a beautiful love story!!! Thank you for sharing such a personal story. Your son is blessed to have you as his mom!
As a younger sister to an autistic brother please don’t forget Ainsley, I am happy that you are working through all of this, but don’t forget her.
My little sister’s older son is 10 and autistic. When he was diagnosed, she wondered if she’d ever hear the words “I love you” from him in her lifetime. She sure did. He’s an amazing boy, not like everyone else, had early intervention and has made leaps and strides to be the special person that he is…. biggest movie buff; a talented German speaker and as kind hearted as anyone you’ll ever meet. My girls love him and keep him in their prayers on top of their list at night. Happy birthday to your son!! And thank you for sharing your story.
Haley, as always thank you so much for sharing. I have been following your blog since the begining, it is so great to see all the process Ethan has made. I know his successes are because of you. I always tell people to listen to that Mommy Intuition, we have it for a reason.
You are awesome, thanks so much Jonie!
Happy 7th Birthday to Ethan. He is very lucky to have you as his mom.
What a beautiful blogpost Hayley! Happy 7th B-day for Ethan. What a beautiful picture at the end!!!
What a beautiful post! Happy Birthday Ethan!
He is such a beautiful child, Hayley. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I know that he has been blessed with such a great mother.
Happy Birthday beautiful boy! And a big hug for momma too.